When Kayla and I were expecting, waiting for Elodie’s arrival, people felt the need to present us with every child-related horror story they could think of. You see, prospective parents are always really excited about parenthood and all doe-eyed about what child rearing will be like. For whatever reason chiseled veterans try to knock them down a notch by relegating their own traumatic experiences. Most of these stories did not bother me. Tales of sleepless nights, vomit, and urine didn’t seem like a big deal. I mean really, I had been through most of that with my pets. Really, it’s the teenage years I’m worried about. There was one type of story that haunted me though – the day when your child discovers the art form of poop on canvas. Canvas being everything in their vicinity. Not every child does this, but I had a fear, an expectation if you will, that Elodie would choose to express her creativity in this way.

Once while we were in Newfoundland we put Elodie down for bed in just a diaper because it was quite hot and humid. When I went in to get her the next morning she was standing there and she handed me her diaper. I checked her blankets and they were a little damp, do obviously there had been an accident. It was of little concern, but I couldn’t help but think how much worse it could have been had she done more than just pee.

On Sunday we gave Elodie spaghetti for supper so we stripped her down to her diaper. After she was done we wiped her off and let her run around to play. Tanner and Kyla were over, so Elodie just chased their chihuahua around. The next thing I know Tanner is laughing and Elodie comes around the corner completely naked. It seems she has mastered the diaper removal technique, a prelude to my greatest fear.

On Monday Elodie went down for a nap, so Kayla and I decided to have a nap too. I ended up sleeping for an hour and then had a shower. Elodie was still asleep by this time, so I figured I’d better wake her up. When I went in to her room I noticed that she was still passed out – and completely dressed. I was just about to pick her up when I noticed something down by her feet. Something that shouldn’t be there. Something dark. I had to stare at it for a few seconds for it to register, but sure enough, there was a large lump of ‘coal’ sitting right there on her duvet.

There was a lingering moment where I just kept looking back and forth from the lump of poop to Elodie. She had woken up by this point, but was pretty groggy and just sort of gazing at me. I’m not sure how long this went on for, but Elodie snapped me out of it by saying “uh oh, poo poo”. Gee, thanks Tips. I was still bewildered on what I should do next, so I just ran into the bedroom and shouted at Kayla (who was awake now, and incidentally, in the bathroom) something to the effect of “I need help, Elodie pooped and it’s not in her diaper anymore!”

I then ran back and carefully removed the offending deposit with some diaper wipes and placed the whole thing in a ball on the window sill. Yes, it should have gone straight to the toilet, but I was in panic mode. I then proceeded to inspect her surroundings for any ‘artwork’ and to my surprise found… nothing. Even an inspection of Elodie’s hands provided nothing and aside from a questionable smear on her PJs everything was feces free.

I quickly stripped Elodie of her clothes and gave her a quick wipe down to clean off anything I may not be able to see. I then opened up her diaper and was surprised to find yet another deposit. A much larger one! I cleaned her up, put on a new diaper, and got her some clean clothes.

The whole event remains a mystery to me. How did the whole thing go down? How did she get poop out of her diaper without removing any clothes? How did she not get poop everywhere? The only thing I can figure is that she did her business once, realized a second was on its way, jammed her hand down there to removed it, tossed it aside, and then went back to sleep. Who does that? This is the girl who throws a temper tantrum if I don’t respond to her demands within seconds, yet she’s content to crap her pants, remove it, crap them again and then fall asleep. This girl needs to get her priorities straight!

Anyway, here are some pictures. They’re completely clean, I assure you.